Kindeline

So, with time sober comes... a chemcial imbalance from the chemicals attempting to blance themselves out from being out of balance from the mass alchohol consumption on an almost daily basis. Otherwise known as depression. I really have no urges to drink anymore though, which is good. I do however feel like the passion is being sucked out of me. I think I mostly use my current job as a scapegoat. It does suck, I was there a year last month, and no body even said thank you, or good job to me. I didn't get a raise and infact it seems as more time goes by the more I've been neglected there, or taken for granted, or however you want to put it, so I've been focusing all my negative feeling towards that. THis of course doesn't solve anything, nor does it effect my performance at work, it just makes more depressed. THen there's the search for jobs that don't pan out, mostly because all the places that I can think I'd like to work for, aren't hiring currently. So, I just try to think positive and relish in the fact that atleast I have a job, I'm a live, and there are people that do actually care about me in my life. This subdues some of that depression, and I know with time it will pass. It just make me sluggish.

So, due to this depression, who will now be called Mr. Carmikle, in an effort to master this ever annoying pest, I haven't been focusing on my engine for the last couple of days. Instead I've been playing games to try and get my mind off of Mr. Carmikle's antics. He keeps tapping me on the shoulder, and I keep trying to ignore him, but the only time he seems to leave me alone is when I sleep a lot. So, I did that yesterday. He kind of got the hint, but he keeps poking his head in my room today and reminding me he's still here.

So, I still haven't fixed the display problem for the console window and I still haven't got it take input or display output yet. I'm trying to decide whether or not I should instead concentrate on a base class that will incorporate some timers so that anything inherited from the base class will already have to logic to handle animations. This approach would make sense and it's probably what I'll end up doing. I just have to get Mr. Carmikle under control so I can concentrate.

I've kind of been at a lack of inspiration lately to work on things as I've felt like I'm not doing any work that really means anything to the world. Not in the sense that I inspire some girl to be obsessed with an older boy in her trailer park and get pregnant because she listens to my crappy boy band song, but more a long the lines of helping people in need, or creating culture that inspires people to actually help themselves. I think that this theme is also seeded in my depression, especially in regards to my job. I mean the world is so fucked up, yet day in and day out people are apathetic as hell to one another and to the world in general. I mean if people just realized that we are the universe, the world incarnate, that yes there is the illusion of seperatness, but we are still what we always have been, which is one, then maybe we would be nicer to our fellows, instead, people concentrate on the differnces, whether they be social, economical, spritiual beliefs, or whatever bias people choose to concentrate on, and we let that divide us even more. Thermodynamics states that energy can not be created or destroyed. Energy, which in term relates to matter. This means that matter can be changed, altered, reformed, but the underlying energy is always the same energy that has always been there. Recycled.. throughout the ages. This concept is in every religion, but closed minded people choose not to look at it that way, people are too interested in feeling superior, having power, to realize that anything that has true power, doesn't look to be in control, it looks to serve.

This has turned into another long non game development related post that may just look like a bunch of jibberish. I guess what I'm saying is that I really hope future generations can become aware of how to help, love, and respect one another, themselves, enough to see where it is the previous generations have gone wrong. It's fear that propogates the negativity in this world.

As an example, look at global warming. We are destroying our world, and yet the vast majority of people don't give a shit enough to stop doing it, I fall into this categorey as well. I do care, but not enough to stand firm on that conviction. Oh well what could we do, some may ask. Answer = STOP DRIVING CARS,&STOP BURNING COAL, &STOP PRODUCING GREEN HOUSE GAS!

Well, we couldn't do that how would we get to work? Answer = Provide public transportation for the masses, walk, ride a bike, come up with alternative fuel sources.

Oh but we don't want to do that, then we'd have to associate with people we don't want too. Or we 'd have to wake up fifteen minutes earlier, or we'd have to change our lifestyles.

These things are all issues that come out of fear.

THink about it. Would the world stop if the American way of life, the way we know it, suddenly changed? If people decided to go back to basics, not commute as much, be more niche associated, would the world stop? People are afraid of change, especially if they've done things a certain way their entire life. This seems to be a taught behavior that is accepted throughout our culture and yet it is this thing that will cause this construct of organismal life form, that we call human beings, to be erraticated from the bussom of the planet. Scary.. and a long rant. I should organize these ideas better, but to be truthful I'm not trying to convince anyone of anything. THis is stuff that if anyone is able to be truthful with ones self they already know. I'm just trying to get some passion back in my own life, maybe to have a fire burn to influence something for the better, someday.