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The truth of the matter is, the one thing that holds me back in life at this point in time, is a constant struggle with chemical addiction. It is an unfortunate struggle that I've been having to deal with since I was all but the age of eleven. The affliction doesn't get better, although at times it seems that it does, but the fact is, if it goes untreated, it gets progressively worse. Many people can say, "So, why don't you just stop using chemicals?" and that would seem the easy solution. And for the most part, I have quit using chemicals, at least in respect to the seemingly more damaging, as when I was in my mid teens I was something of a methamphetamine addict. It took me being locked up in a treatment and corrections facility for the better part of a year to get me off of that junk. I learned a lot in that program and it has helped me to get to where I am today. However, in a culture where chemical use is as prevalent as breathing air, it is hard to get away from.
Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not drinking alchohol all hours of the day or anything. In fact, recently I may not even drink more then three times a week and maybe only five beers or so at a time, but the thing about this affliction, is it's progressive, and I have the foresight to know that it has the potential to blow up in my face. It's like playing with black cats, the fire crackers, and taking apart the rows of them and lighting the singles off with the short wicks. You can usually throw them before they'll go off, but every once in a while, you'll get one where the wick burns really fast, and the damned thing will blow up in your hand. So, like that, it's only a matter of time before the drinking will blow up in my face. I guess that's why I'm writing about it today, in hopes of preventing that from happening.
It is the one thing that has stood in my way from being truely dedicated to my causes and has distracted me from fully fulfilling the rolls in my life in which I need to play. It's sad because the few friends that I do consort with these days in the physical realm, are each inflicted with this same burden, and yet non have seen fit to face it head on. I went through a total of probably ten treatments, A.A. meetings were mandatory as a teenager getting in trouble with the law and having a concerned parent. It's sad that no one else sees trouble with my drinking though, except for me, hell my step dad even works for a major domestic beer distributor, is an alcoholic in his own right, and is pretty high up in the rungs of the company. Yet it's socially tolerated to drink yourself stupid every night if you have the means, just don't smoke pot.. not that smoking marijuana is any better mind you, but atleast no one over doses on smoking a J or gets marijuana smoke poisoning, in an essence it's crazy how far propoganda and sociological dogma sales itself into the homes and minds of people who don't want to think for themselves. I'm starting to rant, so back on target here.
So, the truth is unless I can overcome (meaning quitting altogether) drinking, my modern chemical brother, I'll never realize my potential and I'll continue to dwell in this realm of existance for the rest of my life. There never will be a realization of my dreams and I'll be left struggling pay check to pay check like so many in the world do their entire lives. Not that strugglings a bad thing, but for the wrong reasons it is, needlessly. The truth is.. I may need some help.
So with little time before I head off to work cleaning buses as I do at night, I thought I would take a brief moment to get a blog entry in for the day. So, at this point in time, I'm diving back into the wonderful world of research as I often do, because well, lets face it, no matter how much you know, or think you know, there is always more to learn.
Currently I'm going through the Morgan Kaufmann series of game programming books and I have to say that when I purchased these books I was impressed by the depth of explanation that the books provide. I've read many other books on the subject of game programming and design and by far this series of books does an excellent job of laying out everything for the reader in detail and even though they are pure tech reads, they some how don't seem that dry. That could just be because I'm used to reading such material now, but who knows. Currently I'm reading 3d Game Engine Architecture, and it has already helped me understand a lot of what I've been doing wrong in the current iteration of my 3d engine. I should finish the book by the middle of next week, at which time I'll be rereading the Essential Mathematics book of the same series.
I also have an idea for a graphics test bed for the game C.F.L. ,which is a long time in the making, for which I hope to have completed before I go on vacation to Colorado July 12th. The premise for this demo is simply going to be testing out a look for the GUI and to find a unique blend of photographic scenery(actual photographs not pre rendered) and cartoonesque game objects. I would just throw a demo together right now, but I have started going off in so many directions the past few months I haven't really made any progress in one area, so I figure I'll get back to the demo as soon as I finish the current read. Time to make the donuts.. I mean clean the buses.
It's been a many year(going on four) since I first began my journey into the realm of game creation, and it has been in this last year that my direction for which I seriously will be headed has really took root. "So, what is this path there Will," you may be asking yourself. Well, let me tell you, it is the path of a truely independent game production house. I have had this idea for a while, but for fear of failure, or success, or some unknown deep dark reason, I never fully was dedicated to pursuing this end, until now. Maybe it's some on going inspiration from the independent productionist out there already in the mediums of music, movies, and games that continues to inspire me, or maybe it's some idea that was ingraved into my brain like some bad acid trip from the nineties. What ever the reason it's full steam a head, no looking back, for better or worse, death to us part, this path is my baby. Now if only I figure out how to program my computer to cook me dinner and keep me company durring those long, lonely nights, or atleast to swipe enough rounded off cents from bank accounts across the country to afford the occassional hooker ;P
But before the hookers and kegs of beer are distributed to me and my readers, there is a lot of work a head. As I work on a timeline for the continuation of my current projects, please, take a moment to familiarize yourself with my rather empty but aestheticly pleasing website DecipherOne Productions There you can find some general information about my current projects, although some of the finer points and directions that those projects were going have diverged and the 3D engine has evolved into something different altogether.
In the remaining days of this week, I will work to publish some general information about the top secret game engine I'm working on, maybe post some screen shots, as well as publish small exerts from the book that I haven't been writing for the last five years. This blog is an attempt to better motivate myself, and educate those that may be interested in reading some cryptic dribble every once in a while.
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